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Your First Birthday

My Angel. Your due date was 1/8/2022. You would be turning a year old right now. But i’m not planning your birthday party. Instead i’m crying, wishing I could be with you for your heavenly birthday today. 

How are you supposed to move forward after the loss of your baby? I remember asking myself that question so many times after I lost Angel. But I didn’t have a choice, the world moved forward. As much as I felt stuck in my grief, time moved on. Then I got pregnant with Carter. It was unexpected, I remember taking the test that evening saying “it will put your mind at ease that you’re just stressed.” But it wasn’t stress. When I saw that line and the other test read “pregnant” everything changed. I was terrified. Terrified to lose him. Terrified to have him. Terrified of everything in-between. I lost Angel in July of 2021. I was due with Carter in July 2022. It seemed like a sign that things were going to be okay and it mostly was. But as time went on through pregnancy I started to have these really strong guilty feelings. These feelings only intensified once Carter was born. This guilt was something I never felt before. I always wished that I had my Angel with me. That they never had to leave. But now that Carter was here, it feels really selfish to say that. Because if I had Angel, I wouldn’t have him. I feel guilty wishing I had Angel knowing that Carter wouldn’t be here. I’ve been struggling with these feelings for so long now and I don’t know if they’ll ever truly go away. I love Carter so much and I couldn’t imagine life without him. But I always wonder what life would have been with Angel. I long for that life sometimes, which sounds awful, but I think you’ll always have that. The what if’s. A life that was never meant to be, but that was wanted so bad.

But I have come to realize that my sweet Carter was divinely planned. I didn’t have the plan, but God did. Carter has undoubtedly healed me in so many ways that I didn’t expect. Ways that I wasn’t sure was possible. I remember his birth so vividly. Maybe it’s because my epidural failed and I felt everything. But it was so much more intense than Caleb’s. Everything felt different. I was scared. I kept questioning if I was going to be able to love him and connect to him like I did with Caleb. But as soon as I saw him, everything changed. All the fears I held during pregnancy. All the anxiety of bringing a second child into our world. Everything with him felt so natural, so perfect. As time went on I found myself healing. When this little boy smiles at me, ugh, I can’t even handle it. Watching him and Caleb play together, seeing them grow together. It all just seems so right. Deep down I know Angel is right there with them, I just can’t see them. But there’s signs everyday. Small little signs sent from heaven. My Angel. There’s no doubt in my mind that Angel knew I needed Carter and he was sent to me from Angel. He’s the piece I never knew I was missing, and although there will always be one piece missing, I know that i’ll be okay. I’ll always have 3 babies, it’s just that one of them is with Jesus, and if they can’t be with me, i’m glad they’re with him. We will meet one day and i’ll be complete again. 

To my sweet Angel. You will never be forgotten. I talk to your brothers about you constantly. I look to the sky and tell you how much I love you. I know that you sent your little brother to me. For that I am eternally grateful. Thank you for looking after us all from up there. Keep sending mama rainbows, okay? I miss you so much. I love you my Angel, happy first heavenly birthday. 

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