Taking Care Of Me

To even type those words feels so foreign to me. Taking care of me is something I barely do. I am a mom and wife 24/7. I am also a counselor 21 hours a week with a caseload of about 100 people. By the end of most days I crawl into bed and just sleep. I always talked about self care and taking care of ourselves to clients, DAILY! But I never practiced what I preached. I worked on days I shouldn’t have. I didn’t ask for help with Caleb when I really needed it. I did things that could have been handled later or by someone else but it was just “easier” if I did it myself. But ultimately where did that get me? Burned out. Even during my second pregnancy, I was doing way too much. Even my mom told me that I shouldn’t be doing things the way I was. But again, it was “easier”. When I found out I was pregnant again I started making sure I was eating more regularly, drinking more water, things that as a mom to a 9 month old, I often didn’t do. If I ate 1 meal a day that was good. During the course of my second pregnancy I really made an effort, but it was still hard to manage everything with the fatigue and sickness. I started to feel really overwhelmed with things, being a mom, working, just everything. I kept telling myself, just keep going, just do it. Well when we were at our second ultrasound, and I could see that there was no heartbeat in our second baby; something shifted. The amount of emotions that filled me were indescribable. I remember calling off work for the Friday and Monday that followed. As I was waiting for my D&C that Saturday I remember thinking. How am I going to go back to work next week? I realized very quickly that I couldn’t. I asked my OB the day of my surgery if he could write me out of work. Thankfully, he wrote me 3 weeks out on disability. During those 3 weeks I knew that I needed to focus on myself. I called my mom to help with Caleb. I asked my husband for more help when he was home. I joined an online support group that has been so helpful. I started journaling and meditating again. But there was still something lurking behind me. It was like a tornado just coming up behind me and I could feel it. Going back to work. I kept asking myself, “how can I be a good counselor right now?” I also had the thought of “I don’t even want to be a counselor anymore.” I knew that this wasn’t okay. This is the state of mind that they warn you about in school. On the Friday before I was going to return to work I was shaking. I was having such bad anxiety and was just terrified for what the days, weeks and months would bring. I talked to my husband that day. I said “I think I need to quit my job.” We had a long conversation about it and he supported me in what I needed. He knew that I had been struggling pre-pregnancy, during the early weeks of pregnancy. Let’s be really honest, counseling people isn’t easy, but when you add on your own stuff it can really take a toll on you over time. I talked to some other people that Friday, asked if they understood, thought it was good. Everyone was supportive. That’s one thing I really need to heal from losing Angel. I texted my supervisor on Saturday, asking if we could talk at some point. I was really open and honest and she was also really supportive and told me that she was proud that I was putting myself first. But I had to talk to our program director on Monday. Thankfully we had my day FULL of clients cancelled. My program director was also super understanding, noting again how important it is to take care of myself during this time. Giving such short notice at a job is never a good thing, but never once did I feel like this was going to jeopardize my good standing within the company or my relationships with my coworkers and supervisors. Once I talked to my program director there was an instant relief I felt. I went into the clinic last week and cleaned out my office and said goodbye to who I could. I packed up my car and left that building behind. I went back home, did more paperwork to try and wrap up as much as I could. When I was done I unloaded my car. I started going through all my stuff from my office. I found things I forgot I had, pictures clients drew or colored me, little tokens from them. It stung, but it felt good to put it back in the box and shut the lid. Last Friday was my final day as a counselor for a while. I finished my paperwork and had a lot of emotions. Relief, fear, anxiety, everything really. But at 4pm I logged off for the last time. I deleted everything from my computer and took a deep breath. I keep getting twinges of anxiety though, mostly about clients, but I know that there was no way I could stay in their lives forever. I was always going to leave them eventually, but I didn’t imagine it was going to be this soon. I loved my job, I love helping people, I love the care I provided. But it’s time that I start treating myself the way I treated my clients. With compassion, with empathy, encouraging growth while challenging them gently, teaching them new ways to cope and move forward. I need to do these things for myself now. It’s not optional anymore, it’s the only way I am going to survive this and get “better”, however that will look for me. So here’s to going to therapy, practicing skills and self compassion, challenging negative thought processes, building my support system and most  importantly taking care of myself in every way.