As I look back on 2020 it has been a year. In January, I found out the best news of my life. I was pregnant after almost two years of negative tests and heartbreak after heartbreak. I was 12 weeks along when Covid hit my area. I was immediately scared. Scared for myself, scared for my growing little bean. I put myself in lockdown mode. I was working from home. Didn’t go to stores, didn’t see anyone. It was safe, but God it was hard and really lonely. I had to attend all my pregnant appointments alone. That was the only time I left my house for months. The only other thing I did was my gender reveal. But I had to plan a social distanced gender reveal so that I could have at least some sense of a normal pregnancy experience. But that was even hard, to have everyone in cars, honking a blue smoke came out. It was so disappointing for me. Even as things got better, I was still terrified. People not wearing their masks or being out and coughing and sneezing increased my anxiety so much. On top of having my own struggle mentally, I was working. I had to help my clients through their struggles too. Plus I was now trying to do my job from home and still meet the needs of my client via phone. It was beyond stressful then add pregnancy hormones to the mix. I was beyond overwhelmed. But also the happiest that I have ever been at the same time. I was so blessed to finally be having a baby after trying for so long, but having to navigate the uncertainty of a global pandemic and shutdown. Before I knew it, it was time to start planning my baby shower! But how? Social distance? How do we do this? Thankfully it all worked out and I was able to have a beautiful outdoor shower and not be as terrified because cases were super low. Then a month or so later it was nearing my due date. I started to get major anxiety about the hospital. Would I have to wear a mask the whole time? Do I need a covid test? Is it really safe? As I was trying to process all this and prepare myself the best I could, my sweet boy decided he was ready. 2 weeks early. It was a Tuesday morning, so I had to let me job know. It was stressful as I had a weeks worth of clients that I now didn’t get to see. I hadn’t prepared my stuff for the counselor taking over. I remember setting my phone to my away message from the hospital triage room. Hours later Caleb was born and nothing else in the world mattered. But it came again, the anxiety. Now he’s here, but do I let people in? Do I have people come here? Do I let people into my house? Should people hold him? All of these questions raced through my head as I stared down at the most perfect little angel. I would do anything to protect him and that was now my job, to care for and protect him. My husband and I discussed and decided immediate family only. But I hated it. I was so scared when anyone held him or touched him. He was so fragile, so vulnerable. I still get anxiety when anyone is around him. But this anxiety made it so much harder to be a first time mom. I didn’t want to ask for help because I didn’t want to risk exposing him to anyone. This led to me being really overwhelmed and caused a lot of postpartum depression. I noticed it right away and got help, which was huge, but the anxiety never really goes away. As thanksgiving rolled around it was another conversation with my husband. Do we go anywhere? Can’t we just stay home? We decided to have thanksgiving as just us three. It sucked, I’m so used to being around family, and I was so excited to be able to have Caleb around family before covid hit. Now we are struggling with Christmas. Do we dare go out? What if someone has it? What if we get it? My biggest fear is getting the virus and having to be hospitalized away from my sweet boy. It would be unbearable for me. Or even worse having him be hospitalized because he gets it. It’s all so scary. But then in the comfort of home that little face, that perfect little face looks at me. He smiles so wide and coos at me anytime he sees me. He melts me. In a world full of uncertainty and fear, he is mine. I don’t know if I could make it through most days without him. Through the exhaustion, the anxiety and the stress, he’s right there, smiling away. He doesn’t know that the world outside is a scary place, all he knows is the love of his momma and dada. This year, this scary, crazy, messed up year. Most people say that 2020 is the worst year ever. But for me, it has been scary, uncertain, frustrating and hurtful. But at the same, it is the best year of my life, its the year that I became the one thing I always wanted, a momma. That has been the best part, that has been my destiny this year, that is all that matters. I hope that 2021 brings about a lot of change in the country and the world. But the one thing that I do know is that I won’t be going at 2021 alone, I have my sweet boy and my husband to walk into and through it with. For that, I am ever so grateful.
As a mental health counselor, I know how emotions play a huge role in the progression of therapy. I would say at least 95% of the clients I have worked with in the past and still currently work with struggle with emotions in some way. The most common is not being able to accurately and appropriately express emotions. The biggest analogy I use with emotions is the hoover dam. I say to clients that all of our emotions are like the water being held up by this giant wall. We’ll eventually the wall cannot hold anymore behind it and it ends up overflowing or breaking. People who talk about anger outbursts or emotional breakdowns, this is what this is. The difference with the hoover dam is that they release water before that happens. As humans, we need pressure release valves to release some of the pressure of these emotions before we reach a boil over or breaking point. Emotions are hard. 1000%. Nobody really wants to deal with them. But why? Mostly because of society and ou...
Comments
Post a Comment