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Postpartum - Let’s Get Real

This is the definition of postpartum: of or noting the period of time following childbirth; after delivery. Such a simple definition for something so complicated. 

For some women the physical part of postpartum is the hardest. For others it’s the mental and emotional part of postpartum. For some women it’s everything. 

I call myself one of the lucky ones when it comes to the physical part of postpartum. I was lucky enough to have a short labor, an easy delivery, minimal tearing, and avoided the c-section. I remember sitting in the hospital and the nurses kept coming in and asking me how my pain was. I was confused because I didn’t have a lot of pain. I wasn’t sure if it was still the epidural in my system or what. I remember thinking to myself, well it feels like a baby just came out of my vagina but that’s normal. LOL! Over the course of the next few weeks I was uncomfortable but was never in any real pain. I bounced back really quickly. Everyone that saw me had told me “wow! you look great!” “you don’t even look like you had a baby!” Of course this made me feel good physically. But at the same time I struggled with nausea for the first few weeks and was having a hard time eating and drinking regularly. But overall physically my postpartum journey was normal and not too bad. 

Mentally however was and still is a different story. Everyone kept telling me how great I looked. But nobody was really asking me how I was feeling emotionally. And even when they did, I wasn’t really being honest with them. Having a history or anxiety, depression and post traumatic stress disorder, I basically assumed that I would struggle postpartum. I thought I was going to be able to handle it, i’ve handled my mental health before. What I didn’t account for was then difference in stressors that affect mental health postpartum. I knew about the sleep deprivation, the fussy moments, the demand of breastfeeding, but I was naive to think I could handle it all seamlessly. 

The first 2 weeks I think I was too busy trying to settle into motherhood to notice my own mental health. At 4 weeks postpartum, Caleb started having his digestive issues. That’s when it really became prominent that I was not okay. At the same time, Mike went back to work which meant that I was now alone all night with Caleb, which was terrifying. I started having panic attacks every night when Mike left. I cried at almost every night feed because I felt so alone and overwhelmed. I was sleeping in bed with Caleb until 11am because of depression. Over the next 3 weeks Caleb’s digestive issues for worse. The constant screaming and crying, trying to help him in any way I could, but also being alone with him. It was all too much. I finally couldn’t do it anymore. I had to reach out for help. 

After putting it off for weeks, I asked for help from my sister, my mom, my husband and then I called my doctor. The depression monster inside me kept me from reaching out, that little voice saying “don’t be a burden” “you’re failing as a mom”. It’s so terrifying and overwhelming. Then add the anxiety in of “you’re not doing enough to help your baby.” I finally had to be honest with people, but also with myself. I needed help, serious help, and that was okay. After meeting with my doctor I felt so much better. To have them tell me how common the struggles are in new moms and how it can get better it made me feel human again. Since I had stopped breastfeeding I was able to get back on my mental health medications. Something I knew I needed. Now that I am better, my baby is better. He needs a happy healthy mama and I needed to realize that. 

Postpartum is by far one of the hardest experiences of my life; and it’s still going. I don’t think postpartum ever really ends. After you have a child, you have that child for life. They will always need you, you will always worry, you will always be there. So it’s always important to be aware of your needs as a mom, both mentally and physically. Postpartum is real, it affects 1 in 7 women. I am that 1 in 7. But now i’m back in control and I need to remember that Indonhave control. Not over everything but over a lot and that’s powerful. As powerful as being a mama! 

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