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Fed Is Best, even though my brain didn’t agree

Throughout my whole pregnancy I kept hoping and wishing that little man would be a champion breast feeder right from the jump. I had this vision of breastfeeding him and pumping to have a supply when I got back to work. Well I got my wish, he was a champ from the start. A great latch, no pain, just a great experience from the start. About 2 weeks later, it was exhausting but still worth it. But being the only one who could feed and comfort him was taking its toll on me and my husband. I started to pump at about 3 weeks so that he could have 1 bottle a day, at night so that daddy could help more. When I started pumping it got even more exhausting. I would feed Caleb and then try to pump an hour later, but then I wouldn’t have enough when Caleb was hungry again. Leading to a fussy baby and frustrated parents. No matter how I tried, my supply wasn’t building. I tried breastfeeding exclusively more, lactation supplements, power pumping, and nothing. Very soon I couldn’t keep up with Caleb’s needs. Plus, I HATED pumping so much. It was time consuming, painful and just so draining. So we started supplementing with formula. It started off fine, but within a week or two Caleb started to have major digestive issues. He was going 24-36 hours not pooping, he was spending hours screaming in pain and pushing so hard trying to poop and pass gas. We tried gas drops, gripe water, everything we could. After countless calls to the doctor both during and after hours, I had a question I didn’t have an answer to. Is it the breast milk? The doctor kept assuring me it wasn’t, but if I am eating something he’s sensitive to then it is. I went two weeks, pumping what I could, mixing bottles and just exhausting myself both physically and mentally. I finally had to make the decision to stop breast milk all together. The few days before I made the decision I nursed him much more frequently, knowing that soon I would not be able to anymore. It hurt so bad because he was so good, I felt like he was losing out because I couldn’t do it anymore, physically and mentally. I remember the day I made the decision, I cried about 3-4 times that day because I felt like I failed my son. He was so good but my body wouldn’t cooperate. I knew I could keep trying, keep power pumping but the physical pain was so much that I couldn’t bear the thought of pumping. I made one last bottle with a mix of breastmilk and cried a little when he finished it. But a mom on my baby board has told me, “your baby needs a healthy mama more than he needs breastmilk”, and lord was that what I needed to hear because it was true. I wasn’t healthy for him. The switch to straight formula left us in the same spot with his digestive issues which was so frustrating. But now I knew, okay it’s nothing that I’m eating. Finally after a day of a fussy baby screaming, I was so overwhelmed. But the thing about me is, I hide my struggle so well. I kissed my husband goodbye for work that night and just cried with my baby boy desperate for him to have some relief. I finally was broken so much after weeks of being overwhelmed that I couldn’t do it anymore. I was in full panic attacks and just so scared. There was one person I knew I could trust. So I called my sister. She struggled with postpartum anxiety and depression so I knew she would get it. She texted my husband knowing that I couldn’t. She called my mom knowing I couldn’t. That night my mom came and stayed the night. My husband made arrangements to take the next day off. My mom validated that what was happening was not normal and that something was wrong. I called the doctor in the morning and made an appointment. The doctor thought it could be an allergy to the formula. She recommended that we try Nutramigen, an allergy friendly formula. Wow. Within a few days, I had a whole new baby. I mean he’s not perfect, he still has his fussy times, but now it’s 20 minutes, not 2 straight hours. Switching to formula only also allowed me to go see my doctor about my postpartum anxiety and depression and get back on my medications that help me so much. I was so scared, anxious, depressed and defeated. I couldn’t ask for help, and I was the farthest from okay that I could be. But that’s all it took was one call, my sister. She knew exactly what to do to help and boy did it help. I can’t say that i’m 100% and that I don’t still have my moments. But i’m better and that’s all that matters. I’m better and getting better everyday and so is my little boy. So, yes, fed is best, no matter what.

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